In honor of the start of the school year, Dash and I would like to express how dearly glad we are to be graduated.  Though we’ve been made better men through our studies of such a noble craft, it wasn’t always easy.  We’d like to present you with our list of the Top Ten Things We Won’t Miss About School.

10.) Language requirements – I could spend  an entire post talking about how much I hated taking language courses at the University of Chicago. With classes three days a week, language lab twice a week and discussion session once a week it’s no wonder I started skipping. Let’s begin from the assumption that I know the language and just need to practice speaking it to others to get better. That being the case, why am I repeating “hello my name is …” into a microphone connected to a computer in the basement of the language building. After three quarters of that mess I either know the language or I never will.

9.) Dining Hall food – Now, I have no issue with a “free” buffet style eating experience, but when the buffet never changes and the people who serve the food are ornery and ill-tempered it makes it a little more difficult to enjoy that tuna salad that has been sitting in the open deli section for two hours. I also won’t miss the long lines. Lines to get into the dining hall. Lines to pick up a tray and cutlery. Lines to find a table, and finally, lines to drop your tray and empty dishware off at the washer. Why am I standing around to drop off dirty plates?

8.) Blue Book Exams – For those of you not familiar with the Blue Book it is essentially a piece of sky blue paper stapled to five or six folded sheets of worthless lined paper—the kind you used when you were in third grade first learning cursive handwriting—in which you compose your essay question responses. In order to write legibly on a blue book exam, you have to write twice the size of your normal script. Combine that with the fact that the desks were too small, seat backs not high enough, and the time limits forced you to a hand-scorching pace, and you got a nice mix of scoliosis and carpal tunnel to go home with.

7.) Class Presentations – Public speaking is all well and good, but when the internet won’t connect and people start messing up their power point formatting and presenting way past the ten-minute limit, public speaking turns into public boring. I’ve had classes that took three days just letting people present about racism in the media, or wartime ethics, or other things we’ve all heard about too many times already. In the end you don’t learn a whole lot, and the teacher has a three-day vacation.

6.) College Hippies – I hate you with a passion that could power a third world country for a month. Spare me your “eco-friendly” rants and desire to “toss the frizz,” both inspired by all the weed you’ve smoked. Stop trying to quote Kant and Foucault to sound cool and deep. Not only are you misquoting them, you sound like an idiot. And, please, for the love of God, cut your f@#%king dreadlocked hair! It doesn’t look hip or edgy, just dirty!

5.) Militant Feminists – I remember a social psychology class that I spent defending my gender to a horde of angry women. We started by talking about gender roles, which opened the door for these ladies to rant about all things that men do wrong, and the reasons why all the problems in the world are caused by the male gender. They prefer to spell the word “womyn” to avoid being a part of the evil patriarchal system. They argue that holding a door open for a woman insults her. This statement insults me as a reasonably polite guy who’s just trying to be nice, not attempting to subvert the rise of women to positions of power.

4.) Random fire alarms – I lived in a dorm for one semester of my undergraduate career, but I suffered through enough fire alarms to make up for the three years I was off campus. A bunch of dudes are preparing popcorn for their seventy-fifth viewing of Donny Darko, and apparently setting a digital timer is too difficult for them. Popcorn burns with a lot of smoke, and the entire dorm pays the price, getting dressed at four in the morning and waiting outside for an hour as all the bathrobe-clad girls swoon over the firemen that couldn’t care less about them.

3.) Buying books – I’m lucky that my major never required me to buy a $300 science book. However, I won’t miss standing in line to get into the little liberal arts bookstore on my campus, only to find out that the book I need for my class isn’t actually a book. Rather, it’s a copy of a book. Someone photocopied several pages from a larger book, put a spiral bind on it and is now selling me said photocopies as a book for $25. WHAT THE HELL! What am I paying for? the time and effort it took to make photocopies? Hell, for $25 I’ll go to the library, find the original book, photocopy the necessary pages and make my own book.

2.) 8 a.m. classes – This was almost in the top spot. There is very little I will miss less than 8 a.m. classes. Surprisingly not one of the 8 a.m. classes I ever took was in my major, they were all core requirement classes which I couldn’t stand. One in particular stands out the most. My second year of college I had core Biology at 8 a.m. Not only was it on the other side of campus from my dorm it was a two hour class. I remember one day in the middle of the quarter the teacher, who was a bio grad student, commented on the lack of attendance by saying “Look, this is an 8 a.m. class. I have to be here too and I don’t like it. The least you can do is show up.”

1.) Homework – Every single day since my last final exam, I give thanks for being rid of homework. This is not an exaggeration—I realize the preciousness of this enlightened state of being. I don’t miss the days of finishing class at 10 p.m., taking the subway home to make a pot of macaroni and cheese, reading 100 pages of a novel, a chapter of an ethics textbook, take a “break” to write a magazine column, and then falling asleep trying to finish a barely legible photocopy PDF of a sociology essay. I give thanks for finishing work, leaving my work at my place of work, taking the subway home and doing things that I want to do for the rest of the day, like working on blog posts with Dash.

Did we miss one? Let us know what you won’t miss now that you’ve graduated.

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