(5) I. Hate. Cover Letters.

Somewhere in between the dick (the employed) and the asshole (the unpaid intern), cover letters stroke the taint of the journalism industry. And they could make your employment status swing either way. You have to write one, but not really. Include the same information in each one, but god help you if they’re not individualized to kiss a specific publication’s ass. Always include your cover letter in the body of the email, unless it’s the day before a full moon, your pubic hair is curly and you voted in the last election. In that case, you should attach it as a separate document.

Dear Editor,
P.S. My resume is attached to this email.

(4) I’d like to be paid 100K…

…but I’d settle for minimum wage. No, seriously. My only salary “requirement” is enough to cover my student loan payments. I’ve gotten used to eating Ramen five nights a week. In fact, why don’t you just pay me in scratch off tickets since that’s my best chance at a raise?

(3) A penny per word is not enough.

In case you forgot, we’re writers. We can read between the lines. So when your job posting includes phrases like “competitive internet industry pay” we know you intend to pay us in online poker credits or better yet, not at all. You sneaky bastards. You really thought you could get quality sentence structure for free? Just because we’re desperate? We’d have better luck hoping our personal blog turns into a movie.

(2) Text messages are for socializing ONLY.

Things I expect from a text message: solicitation for sex, invitation for drinks, lack of comma usage, KGB answers. Asking me to apply for a job at State Farm Insurance? Unacceptable.

(1) Forgot your password?

It’s been seven days, six nights and twelve cups of coffee but I’m only on page three of your online application. I’d finish, but I can’t remember the username and password I had to create to apply for ONE job on your web site and now I have no desire to ever return. I may have the time to fill-in-the-blank for 26 pages, but I definitely do not have the patience.

[Dez is a guest contributor to Phreelance Writers. Check out her blog, Bittersweetemotion, and stay tuned for more guest contributors]